How to Love Someone Through Perimenopause
The 5 Love Languages: A Partner's Guide to "The 'Pause"
Content note: This post discusses perimenopause symptoms, mood changes, and relationship dynamics. If reading about sweaty, emotional rollercoasters or the general chaos that comes with hormonal shifts isn't your jam right now, maybe bookmark this for later.
Lovers of midlife women — have you ever been lying in bed, peacefully dreaming about whatever your subconscious has cooked up, and suddenly your partner throws off all the covers and cranks open the window — in February? Or you’re just watching something light-hearted on TV when the person next to you on the couch starts sobbing uncontrollably, and you’re left wondering what you did wrong?
Welcome to perimenopause, friends. It’s kinda like when you think there’s just one spider in the bathroom, and the next day 100 baby spiders are crawling down your shower curtain! This transformative time can be challenging not just for the person experiencing it but for their partners, children, families, and colleagues, too.
The stories we tell about perimenopause tend to fall into two categories: horror stories of “crazy” menopausal women or triumphant tales of “surviving” the change. But what if, instead of viewing this transition as something to conquer or endure, we saw it as a gathering of experiences—a bag of wisdom, if you will, that holds space for all the messy, beautiful, challenging moments of transformation?
My partner Rasheed has been gathering his own field notes on how to support me through “the ‘pause”—to the point where his TikTok algorithm is now 1/3 perimenopause content. :P This man is committed to the research, folks. He shared some of his adaptive strategies with me recently—on a night when I wasn’t a praying mantis debating whether his head would sub in for a cupcake.
"When the heat goes up, be the AC," he says with his trademark gentle humour. "Sometimes that means literally getting up to adjust the temperature, and sometimes it means finding levity to help bring your partner back to earth with a well-timed joke."
His insights aren't about “fixing” or “solving” (please, for the love of all things holy, do NOT try to solve) but rather about creating containers—physical, emotional, and spiritual spaces that can hold whatever emerges.
The Five Love Languages of Perimenopause Support
For the uninitiated, the 5 Love Languages (coined by Gary Chapman in his decidedly heteronormative but still useful 1992 book) suggests we all give and receive love differently through:
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
and Receiving Gifts (which I call Gifts of Appreciation).
You can do the online quiz if this is new to you and you’re curious about how you like love to be communicated and expressed.
In the swirling tempest of perimenopause, each of these languages needs a bit of... creative translation. So, let's unpack the 5 love languages of perimenopause, shall we? Think of them as different kinds of containers, each holding space for a particular kind of support:
1. Physical Touch: Be the Weighted Blanket*
(*But read the room)
"Pretend you're a blanket," Rasheed suggests. This isn't about romantic touch — it's about grounding presence. Physical presence can be incredibly stabilizing, whether it's a steady hand on the back during a thought spiral or just sitting close by during a difficult moment. Think somatic healing, but the couple's version.
Sometimes, that means being a steady, calm force during an anxiety spike. Other times, it means maintaining a respectful distance of approximately three kilometres because everything is irritating, including how loudly you're breathing.
Pro tip: Learn to distinguish between "I need a hug" energy and "touch me and lose a finger" vibes. When in doubt, ask.
2. Acts of Service: Step Up Your Domestic Game
"Contribute to the house and your partner's well-being more than you currently are," Rasheed advises. And no, loading the dishwasher once doesn't count as your contribution for the month. This might mean taking on extra household tasks without being asked, handling more emotional labour, or simply being proactive about what needs doing.
The cognitive load during perimenopause can feel like trying to do complex math while riding a unicycle in a tsunami. Anything you can lift from your partner's mental checklist is a gift. Some practical suggestions:
Take over meal planning (and yes, that includes actually cooking)
Handle the invisible labour (appointments, school forms, family birthday gifts)
Clean something without being asked. Anything. Please.
Learn to anticipate needs (like keeping spare fans in strategic locations)
3. Words of Affirmation: Choose Them Wisely*
(*Or, sometimes, choose silence.)
"Be a man — and by that, I mean, don't take it personally." The mood swings, the irritability, the seeming personality changes? They're not about you. Your job isn't to fix or solve, but to validate and support.
What NOT to say to a perimenopausal woman:
"Is it that time?" (Unless you enjoy living dangerously)
"Have you tried yoga?" (Unless you want your partner to show you some very un-yogic gestures)
"My mom went through this and..." (Just... no)
Your job isn't to fix or solve (seriously, write that on a Post-it and stick it on your forehead) but to validate and support. Simple phrases like "I hear you" or "This is hard, and you're handling it with such grace" can mean everything.
4. Quality Time: Create Safe Space
"Be present and create a safe space so you can be a good listener," Rasheed advises. This means putting down your phone, turning away from screens, and truly focusing on your partner. Sometimes they need to vent, sometimes they need to cry, sometimes they just need silent companionship.
Think of yourself as a container for whatever emotions need to spill out. Sometimes that container needs to be a quiet reading nook, other times it's a dance party in the kitchen. And if you’re unsure, ask. Your undivided attention is a form of love.
5. Gifts of Appreciation: Think Beyond the Material
Sometimes, the best gift is space—literally. As Rasheed puts it, "Sleep somewhere else if needed." Having a backup sleep arrangement isn't a relationship failure. It's a practical solution for when night sweats or insomnia make bed-sharing feel like sharing a sauna with a tossing, turning furnace.
For me, the most meaningful gifts during this time are things you can’t wrap:
The gift of not taking things personally
The gift of anticipating needs (like cranking the AC before being asked)
The gift of handling dinner (that includes what to order or choosing the restaurant) without discussion
The gift of not offering unsolicited advice (this one's free but priceless)
The gift of remembering to pick up their favourite comfort foods
Fun fact: Chapman called this love language “Receiving Gifts,” but I prefer to think of it as “Gifts of Appreciation” because it better captures what we actually need here. It’s those thoughtful gestures that say, “I see you, I’m trying to understand what you're going through, and I've got your back,” versus stuff that'll just clutter up our already overloaded lives and is killing the planet.
And if your partner actually likes physical gifts, here are some ideas for practical presents that say, "I see you melting":
Those fancy cooling sheets (the ones that Oprah loves and cost a mortgage payment but might be worth it)
A Dyson fan-meets-air-purifier (yes, I'm manifesting one, don't judge)
One of those neck fans that make you look like you're cosplaying as a robot or a DJ, or a turbo hand fan
A portable AC unit for their home office
Gift cards for their favourite store (hell knows I need new clothes as my body changes—but NEVER say that’s what you were thinking about)
Remember: The best gift is paying attention to what your specific person needs and wants. Some of us want all the cooling gadgets; others just want you to handle dinner without discussion. Both are valid.
The Meta Language: Understanding
"Understanding their love language and making an effort to speak it" becomes even more crucial during this time, says Rasheed. Your partner's preferred ways of receiving love might shift faster than Toronto weather in October. Stay flexible, stay attentive, and remember—this container we call love needs to expand and contract with grace.
Reflection questions for peri-partners:
How do you currently show up for your partner during challenging times?
Which of these love languages feels most natural to you? Which might need more practice?
What practical changes could you implement this week to better support your partner?
How might you prepare yourself emotionally to be more present during this transition?
Remember, perimenopause isn't something your partner experiences alone—it affects you both as you navigate these changes together. As somebody (I forget who, probably some Instagram Reels wisdom) once said about relationships: "It's not 50-50 — some days it's 80-20, some days it's 30-70. You just have to trust it'll balance out in the end." During perimenopause, you might need to carry more of the load for a while. But your partnership will be stronger for it.
Leave a comment and let me know: How are you and your partner navigating the big life change together? What wisdom would you add to this list?
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XOXO, Nadine
Every day I thank the universe for Visanne (mind you, I could have done without the endo.) Your love sounds like a gem.